After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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