I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
