all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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