It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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