Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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