apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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