My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
