i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
