I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
