I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
