apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
