Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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