Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
