do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
