so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
