someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
