I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
