They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
