when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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