im drinking this country out of the recession.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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