pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
