Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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