I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
