oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Let's paint friendship bongs
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
