no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
sarcasm needs its own font
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
