I want to make a zoo with you.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
