areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i love accidental penises.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
