Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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