Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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