Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
