You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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