she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
