Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
