got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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