I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
