I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
