i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
