Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
