shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have feelings that need drinking.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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