im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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