Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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