Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There r osticjed everywhere
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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