I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
