That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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