I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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