ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
