Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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