If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
