Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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