I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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