The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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