oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize